Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Saturday, December 26, 2015
the day after chirstmas
Usually the day after Christmas we lazily soak in leftovers, movies and family, lingering next to a beautifully lit tree before the season ends. Two years ago today, the day after Christmas felt sadly different.We tucked our sweet, fresh three week old son Brayden into his car seat and my husband Blake climbed behind the wheel. I felt too anxious to drive. We drove for about 20 minutes along a deserted freeway until the signs appeared: "Children's Hospital Next Exit." The phrase felt like a cruel oxymoron stealing the breath from my lungs. "The words Children and Hospital should never go together," I whispered to Blake with a lump in my throat.The name Brayden means brave. We picked his birth verse when I was 16 weeks pregnant: Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or dismayed for The Lord your God is with you wherever you go." I never thought he would have to live up to his name and birth verse so young. The moment Brayden was born, we found ourselves leaning on The Lord in a way we never expected. After 19 hours of labor, one last push birthed our beautiful son into this world. As we cried for joy, the doctor leaned over an whispered in my ear, "We see a lump on Brayden's back, but I want you to think positive." I soon noticed a golf ball sized lump protruding from his low back that our prenatal ultrasounds missed. Yet instead of my normal response of fear, Blake and I felt God graciously draw a shield of protection around our hearts. I joyfully snuggled this handsome bundle in my arms for the first time, soaking in his bright eyes, chin dimple like daddy, and his blonde hair!In time we learned Brayden's lump was called a tethered spinal cord, a cousin of spina biffida. His spinal cord never closed completely, filling with a fatty lump that was tethered into his feet and bladder nerves. With this condition, major surgery is required around 3 months of age and the prognosis is unknown, ranging from complete normalcy to paralysis that impacts walking and bladder function. A child's full prognosis isn't known until they're done growing. As someone who likes to know, 18 years to wait is a long time. Immediately I was torn from my world of false control into a day by day walk of trusting my son in the Lord's sovereign hands. I can truly say, God has carried us from the very beginning. We have tasted and seen that The Lord is good! Even on the first day of Brayden's life, miracles unfolded. Normally they whisk babies away from their moms with an unknown condition like this. But they soon saw he was stable and healthy so they let me cuddle and nurse him for over an hour before taking him with Blake for an ultrasound. They warned it was likely he would be admitted to the NICU. Blake and I prayed desparertly he wouldn't be taken from us and literally 5 seconds later the doctor walked through the door and announced, "Good news! He doesn't have to go to the NICU!" We rejoiced in The Lord! She did warn though that we had to watch for bladder issues and that if we didn't see a wet diaper soon we would have to cathederize him. Again we fell to our knees in prayer. Oh the joy when we saw the green wet line appear on his diaper! Who knew a wet diaper could be so exciting and relieving. Even my mom told her bible study a few weeks before Brayden's birth, "I have this feeling God is going to test Blake and Kelly's faith through Brayden's birth." Wow. It was so clear God was with us. Immanuel.But three weeks later, we found ourselves driving toward our first battle: a pre-surgery MRI. The waves of my heart churned, as I struggled to cling to the anchor of God's love and faithfulness. Typically an anesthesiologist sedates babies to get them to lie perfectly still for a 45 minute MRI, but today we we're throwing a Hail Mary, praying for a miracle. "He's so young still...why don't you try getting him milk drunk and see if he'll sleep through the MRI Instead of using anesthesia," suggested Dr. Muhonen (the best and sweetest pediatric neurosurgeon in the world!). So we walked into radiology, hoping in the power of a Momma's milk! I nursed, waiting for heavy eyes, but they never came.
We swaddled, we swayed, we sang, but those bright blue eyes stared widely back at us. Our hope quickly turned from the milk to The Lord."Even though he's not asleep, let's just try anyways," the technician suggested. They took him from our arms, and placed him in a cradle, nestling heavy sand bags all around him. Then came tight straps, velcroing into place. A technician taped ear plugs to his ears, then placed large earphones on his head. His pacifier bobbed up and down as the machine sucked him into the chamber alone...so I thought.Loud banging, clanking and churning MRI noises begun, hardly a lullaby. Soon the pacifier fell out of Brayden's mouth, and we heard our son's hysterical cry over the jack hamer sounds. I looked helplessly at our sobbing son, crying myself in Blake's arms. "All we can do is pray," he whispered. I don't remember his words, but as soon as he said "Amen," the crying stopped. In fact, he didn't move for 45 minutes. Like a silenced storm, Jesus spoke stillness and peace over Brayden. Amazed and shocked, I thought of Gideon. God dwindled my 30,000 army of nursing, swaddling and swaying down to an impossible 300. But only to reveal the power and tender love of a Father who loves our son more than we do.Tears of thankfulness and relief streamed from our eyes as we began to worship. We sang praises to our God, rejoicing in His faithfulness. In this moment, I've never felt more loved by The Lord. God reached our son we we couldn't. Standing in the cold, sterile radiology room, Blake and I held each other, sang praises and basked in the warm presence of Jesus. As we sang, I thought of Paul and Silas singing worship in jail. Just like the Phillipian jailer was saved, I prayed for the MRI technicians watching through the window.Soon when the machine stopped, a technician asked, "Were you singing? People don't do that when their baby is in an MRI machine.""Yes!" We exclaimed! "We prayed for him to fall asleep and look at him!"Like Gideon, I was afraid. I wanted signs, assurance that God was with us. Jesus delivered us. His love never fails.To this day, our two year old Brayden is still completely symptom free. He walks, he jumps, he skillfully rides a scooter and has full bladder function. I look at the long scar down his back flecked with dots from 22 stitches. It reminds me of God's faithfulness. He carried us and He will carry you.Deuteronomy 1:30-31The Lord your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness, where you have seen how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place.’
Monday, December 21, 2015
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